(This material was originally broadcast on KATV, Talossan Public Access Television.)
Ladies and gentlemen… welcome, welcome to the…
2014 Talossan Journalism Awards
For lack of a better one, I’m your host, Sevastáin Pinátsch. Sorry.
Damn! That’s such an Atatürkian thing to say, too. I apologize. It’s the Canadian influence. Sorry again.
Anyway, sorry. And don’t lose hope. It’s just like I tell the nominees who don’t win: there’s always next year. New host, new awards. So enjoy the expensive meal and clap politely when the sign tells you to.
Now first I’d like to recognize Éovart Grischun. I think he’s here somewhere. Maybe at the back? If someone could check, that’d be great, but I suspect he’s chosen a seat near an exit just in case I completely blow this gig.
Anyway, Eðo is the founder of the Talossan Press Association. Back in 2009, he was troubled by the inactivity of the Talossan Press Club which was pretty much dead in the water and had been for years And so he began a brand new organization… one which is not quite dead, but which is floating rather precariously because none of us really learned to swim either.
You know that thing you’re supposed to do where you keep your face in the water except when you turn your head to grab another breath before putting your face right back in again? I could never get the hang of that, so for as long as I’ve been a member I’ve been dog paddling like a rookie. If the legs of this association are sinking despite the furious amount of arm paddling, that’s all on me.
Just look at this monologue. You can see I’m nearly always on the verge of drowning.
But we thank Eðo for entrusting us with his dream. We’re going to try to keep it drier than it has been.
To that end, I’d like to also recognize Munditenens Tresplet. Now, Dien took over the reins as chairperson on August 1, 2013. He’s an extraordinary, kind and trusting man, and the main reason I have the distinction of being able to address you all tonight.
I’d like to say more, but even rookie presenters know not to crack off-colour jokes about their current boss in the national media.
So instead I’d like to mention and thank this year’s judges: those who kindly answered my call for volunteers, or who eventually just relented so the harassing calls would stop. Ladies and gentlemen: Alexandreu Davinescu, Magniloqueu Épiqeu da Lhiun, Sevastáin Pinátsch, Lüc da Schir, and Adam da Simeon.
Yes, I was a judge, and yes included my name on that list in order to procure more applause.
Okay, well now you’re making me blush. I suppose I have no one to blame but myself. And Dien, who gave me the remote control for the applause sign which I’ve been hammering on shamelessly. Look, it has a laughter setting too!
Anyway, Dien is giving me the neck cutting sign, so I think that means it’s back to business.
Now to counteract that fact that our panel of judges this year looked horribly, criminally, sinfully biased in that they either owned a newspaper or wrote for a newspaper, we used a score-based judging system just like they use at the Olympics. Clearly, there’s no bias there and nothing ever goes wrong at the Olympics, so we thought: why not us? Plus, using the traditional way we’d end up with a 5-way tie where everyone voted for themselves. But that didn’t happen! Success!
Sorry. Back to business before Dien cuts his neck off with his index finger. It looks like he’s got a good friction burn going there already.
The nominees for Journalist of the Year are:
And the winner is: Óïn Ursüm!
Dien is smiling again, which means I’d better just keep pushing through. How are those meals coming? You might ask your server for a take-home bag.
Our second award is for Article of the Year, and the nominees are:
And the winner is: Lüc da Schir!
And finally, our most prestigious award, suitable for framing. No, wait, it’s another statue isn’t it? Anyway, the Saint Maximilian Kolbe Award for Fine Writing, and the nominees are:
And the winner is: Munditenens Tresplet!
No fix, I swear. While yes, everyone did vote for themselves, they also voted just honestly enough about everyone else in order for truth and justice to be upheld.
Congratulations to all our winners. To everyone else: there’s always next year. Please consider joining the Talossan Press Association or writing for one of our affiliated publications.
Thank you all for watching. I hope they find a decent host next year.
Things can only get better, I hope. Stay tuned for Late Night with Sevastáin Pinátsch. He’s okay, I’ve heard.